Still going.

Some days might be a bit more challenging than others, but still going.

 

What a miracle it was to get a bedroom at DP,

After surviving the ultimate sin.

At DP they filled me with hopes that I could still live and be happy,

but then they threw me out onto the cold streets.

Don't worrt though, I still have my plan F.

I am only here because I needed to be run over once more.

I can't feel a thing, so I'll jump down into the deep down darkness.

This time there will be no lover to save me because I killed him 

the first time I tried to jump.

 

They told me to cheer up and stay positive,

And try, I did, not succesfully though...

I tried to hold on to the strong and happy mask,

However it was getting ever more hard to put on the act.

My grief was contained for a while, but I couldn't contain it much longer

It was destroying my mind, and my life...

My mind was yearning for the absolute tranquility

One can ever truly find in a coffin.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone, so I sought solitude and silence,

I am not quite sure what I was hoping for...

It only confirmed and made my yearning stronger.

Can life relieve my mind? It only seems to hurt it...

But would death have repealed my tears?

Apologies can't remedy it, for neither one...

Can you forgive me? Can I forgive myself?

 

Hold on, for a light at the end of the road...

It was a bright sunny day, 

The sun could fill someone's heart...

Not mine though.

The world had fallen apart earlier within the year,

I kept trying to hold on for that light at the end of the road,

Although it kept getting ever more dim...

And as other people were out enjoying life,

I was being devoured from within...

My little demons and ghosts had been whispering 

in my ears for a while now, and so I checked out...

As I started to sink and finally get some peace,

Out of nowhere, someone yelled: "you can never leave here",

I was being selfish, but weren't they being selfish too?

It felt like a good day to leave, for a second I felt peace amongst the chaos,

But they shoved me back into my seat, 

For another ride in the tower of terror...

 

The darkness within channelling

My own pathetic end.

Sympathetic words you had for me,

I wished you'd saved them, 

Only needed the warmth and safety of your arms.

I walked for miles and found myself standing by your door,

Trying to find a quick fix for the excruciation.

Shattered dreams of happiness

The wild river runs in its full strength as I lay 

Trying to die, with part of me hoping for you to show up,

Hold me tight in your arms, don't say anything, just hold me tight.

But you never showed up

The river came and with it I vanished.

We are only here for a split of a second

Visions of a platonic love.

Defined by the tune of his life we were

I couldn't say no to the river running within his eyes

I know I should have run, yet I stayed besides him

At intervals he was loving and we were alone in the world, just us.

And then we weren't, and silent agony would set in

a giant icy wall in between us, that could grow taller than highest 

Mountain on Earth

Along with that came the feeling of absolute emptiness and

Magnfying agony.

For how long can I keep on pretending to be strong?

I don't know how to explain, but yes,

I am falling down...

You feel the ecstasy as you watch me 

Lick my sour apple lollipop 

Return the kindness by having a slice 

of my homemade red velvet.

Get down on all fours and get real high with me

and please me real well.

I left my majestic cloak by the edge of your bed

Like a cold warning to any unwanted competitors 

That I exist in your life.

My mind and heart are constantly overwhelmed

With confusing visions of both happiness by your side

or a sad dance on a grave.

Do you feel equally insecure in us?

Or are my insecurities unreasonable?

Have I caught a lie of yours or were you just confused?

Do you know what you want from me?

When I try to flee you hold my arm and tell me to stay beside you

If I come close to you, you make me feel unwanted

And politely discharge me

Are you playing me?

 

 

 

We've waited months for this
You were so excited you got sick for it
I wish I had found some obtuse excuse not to make it
We didn't think this day would end
I hoped we'd want to see the stars 
Sprawled across the universe
As we'd get to know each other
But you much rather preferred an orange project
You wanted casual nudity
Popping some champagne with Molly
I'd give you my love
And let you float in me
Neither of us thought tonight could ever be so far from us
Just try to see me in the dark
Feel the fear before you come by
I really wanted this to work
But I had my faith
And so you pulled out
As you grow silent I hold my breath 
If only you were sure it was safe and sound
Rather than a long long wait
And far away from each other we went

Sim, foi por mim que gritei.

Declamei,

Atirei frases em volta.

Cego de angústia e de revolta.

 

Foi em meu nome que fiz,

A carvão, a sangue, a giz,

Sátiras e epigramas nas paredes

Que não vi serem necessárias e vós vedes.

 

Foi quando compreendi

Que nada me dariam do infinito que pedi,

- Que ergui mais alto o meu grito

E pedi mais infinito!

 

Eu, o meu eu rico de baixas e grandezas,

Eis a razão das épi trági-cómicas empresas

Que, sem rumo,

Levantei com sarcasmo, sonho, fumo...

 

O que buscava

Era, como qualquer, ter o que desejava.

Febres de Mais. ânsias de Altura e Abismo,

Tinham raízes banalíssimas de egoísmo.

 

Que só por me ser vedado

Sair deste meu ser formal e condenado,

Erigi contra os céus o meu imenso Engano

De tentar o ultra-humano, eu que sou tão humano!

 

Senhor meu Deus em que não creio!

Nu a teus pés, abro o meu seio

Procurei fugir de mim,

Mas sei que sou meu exclusivo fim.

 

Sofro, assim, pelo que sou,

Sofro por este chão que aos pés se me pegou,

Sofro por não poder fugir.

Sofro por ter prazer em me acusar e me exibir!

 

Senhor meu Deus em que não creio, porque és minha criação!

(Deus, para mim, sou eu chegado à perfeição...)

Senhor dá-me o poder de estar calado,

Quieto, maniatado, iluminado.

 

Se os gestos e as palavras que sonhei,

Nunca os usei nem usarei,

Se nada do que levo a efeito vale,

Que eu me não mova! que eu não fale!

 

Ah! também sei que, trabalhando só por mim,

Era por um de nós. E assim,

Neste meu vão assalto a nem sei que felicidade,

Lutava um homem pela humanidade.

 

Mas o meu sonho megalómano é maior

Do que a própria imensa dor

De compreender como é egoísta

A minha máxima conquista...

 

Senhor! que nunca mais meus versos ávidos e impuros

Me rasguem! e meus lábios cerrarão como dois muros,

E o meu Silêncio, como incenso, atingir-te-á,

E sobre mim de novo descerá...

 

Sim, descerá da tua mão compadecida,

Meu Deus em que não creio! e porá fim à minha vida.

E uma terra sem flor e uma pedra sem nome

Saciarão a minha fome.

 

 

José Régio